What it feels like to have anxiety

I don't remember 'getting' anxiety. I just know that I used to love talking to people and doing stuff by myself and now I sometimes can't physically get the words out. The shitty thing is, I'm not a shy person. I just have anxiety. I want to talk to you, but I can't. It gets lonely. It feels like there is a tape across my mouth and I can't talk, no matter how hard I try to get the words out.

There's so many things I'd like to do that I can't. People say, 'oh, just try, it's your fault,  you just need to tackle it, you are letting it control you...' but I can't. Try telling a brain thats almost nearly permanently stuck in fight or flight mode to do opposite action thoughts, or lungs that know they are on the edge of a panic attack that they need to take deep breaths. Sometimes, it might work. If I'm feeling slightly anxious. But full, top notch anxiety for me is feeling like I am going to die. Ask someone who is being chased by a polar bear to 'just do some mindfulness'. That's how my brain feels. 

I don't want to feel like this. I am not 'feeling sorry for myself'. I am nearly 20 and I can't send my drink back in costa when they make it wrong, or send a reply to my tutor when he emails me. Or join a society. Or have a wide circle of friends. Or keep in touch with the friends I have. I would do anything not to be like this. 

I know I'm not alone in feeling like this. I know so many of my friends who manage to put an an incredible show of bravery when they feel like there is a thousand worms in their stomaches. People who went to school every single day even though they felt sick, or got on the bus, or stood up in front of a group of people. Or even just managed to say hi to somebody despite feeling like they were free falling out of a plane with no training or a parachute. 

The hardest thing about having anxiety is people not understanding what it's like having anxiety. Anxiety can feel the same as when you're home alone and you've just watched a terrifying film and you think you hear someone upstairs, except you're just returning clothes to a shop, or asking a stranger the time. Anxiety disorders make your world shrink, but people understanding can make the difference between leaving your house and staying in. 

If you have anxiety, tell people. tell your friends, tell your teachers, tell your tutor (if you're in college). Trust me, it will help. If they don't understand, have your GP write a letter explain. (obviously not your friends, that would be kind of weird). Mental illness is just as debilitating and valid as physical illness. Never ever apologise for it. We all know what the stigma around mental illness is like, especially in Ireland, but it is changing and most people simply don't understand. Having the support of friends and family in everyday life, and your college, school or work can be the difference between being able to cope and not, and while you think that you might be able to get by without it, having help and being around people who understand can be a huge stress reliever and really make a huge difference to your quality of life. 

Anxiety is shit, but it can be managed. I got a bus today and I didn't feel like I was going to die. Or vomit anywhere. So if that isn't managing, I have no idea what is.  

NOBODY CARES EXCEPT YOUR DOG

With all the shitty things that are going on in the world, I have been appriciating the fact that dogs exist even more than usual recently, which is something I didn't think was possible. Reading week, for most people, was a chance to party, or meet up with friends from home. For me, it was an opportunity to spend as much time as possible with my dog. Yes, that might be weird, but my dog is THE BEST. 

Bambi is 1 year old and we got her on christmas day. Some people probably think the sound of children laughter is the sweetest in the world. They are wrong. It is the sound of bambi's claws clicking against the floor as she scampers over to me when I call her name. 

Nobody appreciates me doing anything like my dog appreciates me bringing her for a walk. Her little face lights up and she waggs her tail so much its kind of like twerking. So cute. So much joy. 

There is a tremendous amount of shitty things happening in the world right now, we still have dogs. Everyone seems to be posting their opinions on Facebook, and someone who I am friends with posted a very aggressive and bigoted thing after the paris attacks. It really made me realise that when people post statuses on Facebook nobody cares. Everyone is just shouting their opinion, and they either agree with what you say, the violently oppose it and fight with you in the comments, or they don't care.

So many people posted educated and enlightening things, and that's so great to see. At least the majority of people I am friends with understand the huge plight that muslims are going through, and refugees are going through. With the invention of social media people are definitely more educated. But it also seems they are deaf to hearing other peoples opinions. People seem to think (i am definitely included as one of these people) that public opinions on social media are things that their friends or followers desperately want to hear. It just isn't true.

The people who want to hear your opinion will bring it up in conversation. If you want a genuine response, tell it to your dog. They will be so excited to hear emotion in your voice that you will receive a more attentive reaction that any of your Facebook friends are willing to give. 

It's my birthday and my anti- wrinkle campaign has begun // reflections on turning 20

Me on my last birthday with my youthful skin

It's my birthday next thursday and I'm scared. I'm turning 20. Twenty. I distinctly remember being 14 and my dermatologist telling me that I had a couple of years left of not using anti agin products but when I turned 20 it was time to start tackling my aging skin. Now I am 20 and my skin is aged. I am old. I am over the hill. Well, maybe not quite but I am no longer a teenager and therefore approaching the hill.

I do things like buy toilet paper for myself, take out the bins and decide that it's not sensible to go out because I have a lecture the next day. I haven't eaten mcdonalds in months. 

I wrote this before meeting my mum and aunt, Rosamund, for afternoon tea. My feeling on the subject after this life changing tea is quite different. 

Rosamund stopped telling people her age when she turned 21. I am going to do the same. Every so often, she has a significant birthday, but her actual age is never revealed. So it doesn't worry her. After all, this is only a number, a cliche but true saying. So after 21 I will officially stop counting the age and focus on the amount of presents I get instead. That is the real reason for birthdays after all. 

I am going to use turning 20 as an opportunity to change some things in my life. Some small and some big. I am going to spend less time watching shitty TV and more time doing things. You never remember the 10 hours you spend watching keeping up with the kardashians, but you remember reading, or crocheting, or drawing. Or not but you have something to show for the end. I know I am turning into my mother when I say this. 

I am going to stop wearing sweatpants outside on most occasions. Obviously, there are some times that simply cannot be got through without sweatpants. Being hungover is one of these. But I have fears of becoming a middle age woman wearing trackies and in my effort to avoid this I am going to try and wean myself off them (at least in social situations).

I am going to read more. And I am going to read whatever I want, and If I don't enjoy a book I am going to give myself permission to stop reading it halfway through. Instead of scrolling through instagram before I go to bed I will read. 

I am going to print more pictures so instead of having thousands of digital images I never look through I at least have some that I can look back on. 

I am going to start putting my health first. Nothing is more important than being well, and I need to stop putting unrealistic goals and my perfectionism above my happiness. 

I am going to start doing the things I love again. I feel like I don't do a lot of the things I really love anymore and I miss them and would be happier if I did them. So I will. 

I am never going to pretend I like kale ever again. I do not like kale. 

I am going to spend more time with the people I love. I am going to travel and see the world and write and listen to music. I will never allow anyone to treat me unfairly, be rude to me, degrade me. I will believe in myself. 

Some of these things are big and some are small. I feel like my life has really changed, and is really changing right now. The main thing being half my face has swollen up so half of me is a happy puffer fish and half is an angry puffer fish. This fact would have made me super self conscious and I probably wouldn't have been able to leave my house a couple of months ago. However, today I went out to lunch with my dad and worked my confused puffer fish face and it didn't bother me at all. 

if being 20 means ageing skin, but I get to care a tiny bit less about unimportant things and actually start being the person I want to be, I am ready for it.